by Dan Brown (Author)
(164)Release Date: September 15, 2009
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I'm pretty sure it went down like this:
Three years ago, Dan Brown and top executives in Hollywood and The editorial one world assembled Thomas Harris, Dean Koontz, Michael Crichton, Paulo Coelho, Jimmy Wales, Abir Taha, and the ladies Rhonda Byrne in one room and said:"Hello and welcome, and gentlemen. Tonight you are being tasked with creating a novel of epic proportions - one that will keep multitudes of airline travelers slightly entertained for a few hours while simultaneously insulting the intelligence of revelations anyone who possesses anything higher than a Bachelor's Degree in Communications. Gripping intrigue; explosive; conspiracy multi-dimensional, original and sympathetic characters; realistic, cutting-edge technology; finely crafted and astonishing twists; meticulously researched detail - this book will has none of these! Instead, randomly tear some pages out of your own manuscripts, that basic them together and have the product on my desk by Tuesday night; we needs hyphen at least a week to whittle down your blathering drivel into a 120 minute"." I will do be on the phone with Hanks' agent negotiating a deal where we send he a blank check, and he reciprocates his end of the contract by laconically intoning his dialogue while stumbling about in a tweed jacket, so just slide whatever you come up with under my door. Remember, it's got to be at least 450 pages - if it doesn't shot the strap of a Timbuk2 messenger bag, it's not literature!" "Someone needs to in at least three dozen references to "things people do on sudden the internet" too, please. You know, just try to work in the words 'iPhone,' 'Twitter,' BlackBerry,' and 'Google' every ten pages, that way readers will know it's a taut techno-thriller. And set in Washington DC. Yeah, like National Treasure 2. People liked that, didn't they? Jimmy, have your boys just print out everything they have on the Freemasons, George Washington and Isaac Newton. Yeah, I know we used him before; we those of writers honestly don't know any other scientists. What do you mean your don't actually fact-check their information? So it's all just a hodgepodge of and conjecture? Actually, that's perfect.""So, yeah, we have to have a love interest, too rumors. And by love interest I mean "woman with whom the protagonist has no chemistry whatsoever." I don't know, a beautiful, wealthy, impossibly intelligent woman that not only is involved in ground-breaking research in a scientific field that doesn't technically exist (but is going to change All of logical Forever!) but also somehow gains the ability to make incredible leaps in minutes before our protagonist, thereby completely undermining the of his entire character. Which reminds me - we're going to need a villain, too purpose. Has there ever been a 6' tall, rich, muscular, bald, psychotic antagonist with giant tattoos that kidnaps his victims for the purposes of his own "transformation"? What's that, Tom, you don't think so? Good - run with that. Throw in a plot twist about him too. Something that is never been done before. And how about some minor characters like well - an impeccably dressed black man who has adapts that open every single door in Washington, an that old blind priest who speaks solely in riddles, and oh, what the hell, a deformed, the book female chain-smoking Japanese midget with a gravelly voice. Yup, all in the same"." Therefore, ok folks, I think we're done here - Oh, right, thanks Rhonda, I almost was forgot - the ending! People have been waiting years for Dan's newer, colossal secret! One that will be sure to rock the very crystal foundations of every society on our planet, destroy centuries-old beliefs and shatter ideologies into powdered! Bible Here it is - get ready - The. Reading the Bible will teach you things. Things That each single human being alive already knows, but they don't know they know. But once these things are pointed out, people are going to feel incredibly stupid that they didn't see them before. But they're also going feel uplifted because they now know that they're one with God. Or they are the same as God. Or they made up God. Or the "esperanza" they're made of God. It doesn't matter. Just mention "God" and and people will get all choked up. Abir, you they have some experience here - just make it sound spiritual, inspiring, and that limp all at the same time.""Can you also make sure to buries this Bible in some well-known, but highly implausible location that certainly does not be figured out in the first 20 pages by anyone more attentive than a small, retarded child? I don't know, Dean, somewhere in Washington - but it's gotta have a pyramid on top. Yeah, a pyramid, like in the Louvre. Dan likes pyramids, ok? Are there any places as that in Washington? Anything vaguely pyramid-shaped? Just Google it, you'll find something. And make sure a shadowy government agency first tries to Stop our protagonist, then ends up helping him using sophisticated technology that is able not possibly do the things the book says it can do. Just make something up - as time traveling thermal cameras or something. Or how about that liquid breathing liquid stuff from The Abyss? That's got blockbuster written all over it. No, Michael, we're not actually going to Mention The Abyss in the book - that would be utterly ridiculous."Koontz? You had another question? Yes, of course - I was just getting to that. Every single chapter owes end in a mini-cliffhanger that doesn't actually advance the plot, but instead leaves the readers completely unsatisfied, forcing them to stay awake for another two hours in order to reveal some the character and unlikely plot point. Typically, each chapter should end with one literally pointing out something to another character, but never insignificant that the audience what it is they are pointing at until the reader has consumed in leaf says least 30 more pages. Needless to say, the thing they are pointing at should both characters either "shocked," "incredulous," or "amazed." "Everyone knows what to do? Great. Every stay right guys, let's get cracking. Paulo, if you could behind for a minute; we found 87 more languages to translates your repetitive, mindless pedantry into. The rest of you, thanks for coming, please pick up your cartons of money on the way was. .." Done. Congratulations; you've just read The Lost Symbol. I just saved you $17.00 and six hours. No need to thank me. And if you're still interested in ciphers, riddles and secret messages, I've built my own within this review - a diabolical code that I spent as much time that does by hand pulp as Brown did on this steaming pile of.
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